“In group, I say, ‘we all have different stories, we all have the same ending.’”
Being a survivor of suicide loss is an incomprehensible grief. No two stories are the same – yet the situation and complexity of emotions are the common threads that connect survivors.
Tom Whitaker has been a Peer Facilitator with the Survivors After Suicide (SAS) Program at Didi Hirsch since 2023 after losing his partner, Dave, to suicide.
Tom and Dave met in LA in 1990. Over the next 32 years, they navigated life’s challenges together and grew alongside one another. To choose to be with someone and love them for exactly who they are is no easy feat – but they were always there for each other, through the good and the bad.
From a young age, Dave experienced life as the child of alcoholic parents. Nevertheless, as an adult, he became very successful – however, a lot of those childhood issues went unresolved.
In 2021, several life events occurred which caused Dave’s mental health to severely decline. “[He] was someone who was not equipped to deal with those things,” Tom said in reference to Dave. “Those things can happen to anyone – he lost all hope and I believe he thought everyone would be better off without him.”
Dave had a psychiatrist, therapist, and was in an intensive outpatient program to get the help he needed; however, nothing could quell his pain. A day after Dave passed away, Tom immediately reached out to Didi Hirsch to get help and joined a Survivors After Suicide (SAS) group. After completing the 8-week course, the therapist debriefed with Tom and asked if he would be interested in co-facilitating. There was no hesitation on Tom’s end.
Tom started facilitating on the weekends for the SAS drop-in group, citing that he gets to help others and himself, while still honoring Dave. Tom recalled discussing silver linings with the group. Silver linings under such circumstances seems so counterintuitive – how could anything good come out of death?
“After he passed away, all this humanity came out of the woodwork – and that was the silver lining. Didi Hirsch, the SAS group – It’s almost been a lifeline for me. It’s so rewarding.”
The transformation that Tom went through after his partner’s death was so profound, he felt like he lost himself for a while. Tom expressed that he became more empathetic, kind, and understanding due to his grief. He had to rediscover who he was without Dave and give himself grace.
“You get stuck in so much routine over 32 years – and then when it’s over, I realized and reflected, wow, there was a lot of love there, and I wish we were more demonstrative of that.”
In his path toward healing, Tom has learned to forgive himself, hold on to hope, and most importantly, that grief is not linear. No matter the circumstances and what life throws at you – you decide who you are.
